Internal Self-Validation

I've seen countless individuals whose self-worth is a fragile boat, constantly tossed by the waves of external approval. They live by the 'likes', the compliments, the promotions, and the fear of criticism. While seeking connection and feedback is natural, tying your core sense of self to it creates an emotional rollercoaster.

The antidote? Internal Self-Validation.

This is more than just positive self-talk. From a therapeutic perspective, self-validation is a foundational skill—the ability to acknowledge and accept your own internal experience (your feelings, thoughts, and sensations) without judgement, regardless of what others think. It's building an unshakeable inner compass that guides your emotional life.

Why Internal Validation is Your Emotional Superpower

When you learn to validate yourself, you move from a state of dependence to one of resilience and self-trust.

1. It Fosters Emotional Resilience

If your self-esteem is anchored internally, a harsh critique or a disappointing rejection won't send you spiralling. You can feel the pain, sadness, or anger, acknowledge it ('It makes sense that I feel hurt by that rejection'), and still hold onto your inherent worth. This is the core of emotional resilience.

2. It's the Key to Authenticity

The constant chase for external approval forces us to mold our behaviour to please others. When you validate yourself, you stop performing. You become free to align your actions with your core values and goals, leading to more genuine relationships and a stronger sense of self-identity.

3. It Halts the Cycle of Invalidation

Many of us grew up in environments where our feelings were dismissed ('Stop crying', 'You're too sensitive', 'Don't be a drama queen'). These messages become our internal critic, telling us our feelings are 'wrong' or 'unjustified'. Self-validation is how we interrupt this harmful, shame-inducing cycle and begin to heal old wounds.

The 3-Step Process: How to Practice Self-Validation

In therapy, self-validation is broken down into simple, repeatable steps. Think of yourself as a compassionate therapist to your own inner self.

Step 1: Acknowledge and Observe (Mindfulness)

Before you can validate, you must first notice. This step requires gentle, non-judgemental awareness.

 * Practice Mindfulness: Take a moment to check in with your body and your emotions. What am I feeling right now? Is there tension in my shoulders? A knot in my stomach?

 * Name the Emotion: Simply label the experience without judging it. Instead of, 'I am such a failure because I'm anxious', say, 'I notice I am feeling a strong wave of anxiety'.

 * Acknowledge the Facts: State your experience in a matter-of-fact way. 'I am feeling overwhelmed because my workload is heavy', or 'I am disappointed about the outcome of that interview'.

Step 2: Accept and Allow (Non-judgement)

This is the hardest part for many. Acceptance does not mean you agree with the feeling, or that you like it. It means you stop fighting its existence.

 * Create Space for the Feeling: Remind yourself that all feelings are temporary and that you are allowed to experience them. Say, 'It's okay to feel this way. This feeling is understandable', or 'I am a human being, and all humans experience disappointment'.

 * Stop the 'Shoulds': The invalidating internal voice loves to use 'shoulds'. ('I shouldn't be this sad', 'I should be over this already'.) Replace this with compassion and curiosity. 'Given everything I’m dealing with, it makes sense that I’m struggling today'.

 * Separate Yourself from the Emotion: Remember, you have feelings; you are not defined by them. Instead of 'I am angry', try 'I feel angry'. This subtle shift creates distance and lessens the intensity.

Step 3: Find the Reason (Contextual Understanding)

Validation communicates that your experience makes sense within your current situation or life history. This is where you connect the dots with self-compassion.

 * Look for the Context: Ask yourself: Why does this reaction make sense right now?

   * External Context: 'I'm exhausted and irritable because I've only had four hours of sleep for three nights in a row'.

   * Historical Context: 'I feel disproportionately hurt by that small criticism, and that makes sense, because it activates an old pain from when I was frequently criticised as a child'.

 * Identify the Underlying Need: Your emotions are messengers. What is this feeling trying to tell you?

   * Anxiety might mean you need rest or safety.

   * Loneliness might mean you need connection

* Anger might mean you need to set a boundary

 * Respond with Action (Self-Care): Once you've validated the feeling and the need, take a compassionate action. If you realise you are overwhelmed, self-validate with a statement ('I'm feeling overwhelmed, and that's understandable'), and then respond with self-care ('I'm going to take a 15-minute break and reschedule one of my non-urgent tasks').

Making the Shift

Cultivating internal self-validation is not a destination; it's a daily practice. It means choosing to treat yourself with the same empathy, understanding, and respect that you would automatically offer to a dear friend.

It may feel unfamiliar or even selfish at first, especially if you were taught to prioritise others' feelings over your own. However, remember this: A stable inner self is the most valuable resource you have. When you validate yourself, you build a sturdy internal foundation, ensuring that your sense of worth is secure, unshakeable, and truly your own.

External Validation

I often see clients struggling with a profound sense of self-doubt. They come in feeling anxious, lost, or emotionally depleted, and a common thread runs through many of these struggles: the subtle, insidious habit of outsourcing their self-worth.

We live in a world that constantly encourages us to look outside ourselves for proof of our value. We are taught to chase the promotion, the perfect relationship, the 'likes' on social media, or the approval of a critical parent or partner.

In essence, we are giving a significant piece of our emotional well-being—our validation—to others. What happens when we outsource this fundamental internal process?

What Does 'Outsourcing Validation' Look Like?

It’s the pattern of needing an external metric to feel 'good enough.' You might be outsourcing your validation if you:

 * Rely on a partner’s mood to determine your own happiness. If they’re distant, you spiral into self-doubt about the relationship and your worth.

 * Constantly seek praise or acknowledgement at work, feeling incompetent until your boss or colleagues affirm your efforts.

 * Spend excessive time or energy cultivating a perfect image (online or in real life) to earn external approval.

 * Need repeated reassurance from friends or family that you made the 'right' choice before you can feel secure in a decision.

 * Allow criticism (especially unwarranted or unfair criticism) to immediately devastate your sense of self-worth.

The Psychological Trap

While seeking support and connecting with others is a vital part of the human experience, making external approval your primary source of self-worth is a dangerous psychological trap.

 * It Creates Instability: The problem with external validation is that it is inherently volatile. People's opinions change, their moods fluctuate, and their attention shifts. When your self-worth is tethered to something outside your control, your emotional landscape will be constantly turbulent.

 * It Breeds Codependency: When you need others to validate you, you are unconsciously placing a burden on them. This dynamic can erode healthy boundaries and lead to codependent behaviours, as you prioritise the other person's needs or feelings above your own to ensure their continued approval.

 * It Silences Your Inner Voice: Every time you prioritise an external opinion, you take a step away from trusting your own instincts. This habit slowly erodes your ability to listen to and respect your own inner wisdom, leaving you feeling less authentic and more lost.

Reclaiming Your Internal Authority: The Work of Internal Validation

The shift from outsourcing to internalising your validation is often the core work we do in therapy. It is the process of gently, but firmly, taking back control of your self-worth.

This process is about learning to be your own most reliable witness and advocate.

Here are three steps to begin the work of internal validation:

* Become Aware of the 'Need': The next time you feel that intense urge to seek reassurance or check a social media notification, pause. Identify the feeling underneath it. Is it anxiety? Fear of failure? Loneliness? Naming the need is the first step toward addressing it yourself.

* Practice Self-Empathy and Reflection: Instead of turning outward for praise, turn inward for understanding. If you made a mistake at work, instead of waiting for a superior to tell you 'it's okay', sit with yourself. Acknowledge the effort you put in, offer yourself empathy for the difficulty of the task, and reflect on what you can learn.

* Try this: 'That was hard, and I feel disappointed. I am still capable, and I can learn from this moment'.

* Establish 'Self-Sufficient Boundaries': Create boundaries around your energy and your peace. This means stepping away from people or situations that consistently deplete you or require you to perform for their approval. It also means setting a boundary with your own need to 'check' with others before moving forward.

Reclaiming your validation is one of the most empowering acts of self-care you can undertake. It is the journey from feeling like a ship tossed about by external currents to becoming the captain of your own stable, reliable, and worthy inner world.

What is one small step you can take today to give yourself the validation you often seek from others? 

Rejection

Rejection is a universal human experience. It's the sting we feel when we're not chosen for a job, the heartache when a relationship ends, or the social ache when we're left out of a group. Why does rejection hurt so much, and how can we navigate it in a way that promotes healing and growth? Rejection isn't just a single event; it's a complex interplay of our past, our self-worth, and our deeply ingrained need for connection.

The Pain of Rejection

The pain of rejection is not just emotional; it's deeply physiological. Neuroscientific research has shown that the same brain regions that process the emotional and unpleasant aspects of

physical pain—the anterior cingulate cortex and the insula—are activated when we experience social rejection. This biological link explains why a social snub can feel as sharp as a physical blow. Our brains are wired to see social connection as a matter of survival, a relic from our evolutionary past where being part of a tribe was essential for safety and well-being.

The Echo of Our Past

I often see how a current rejection can trigger old wounds. A failed relationship might echo the feeling of being unloved in childhood. A job rejection might tap into a deep-seated belief that we're not good enough. These echoes are powerful and can amplify the pain of the present moment. We're not just reacting to the current event; we're also reliving a pattern of feeling unseen, unheard, or unworthy.

Rejection and Self-Worth

One of the most insidious aspects of rejection is how it can erode our sense of self-worth. We often internalise rejection, turning 'I was rejected' into 'I am a reject'. We start to see the rejection as a verdict on our character, our capabilities, or our value as a person. This shift from an external event to an internal identity can be devastating. It's crucial to remember that rejection is a reflection of a specific situation, not a definitive statement about our intrinsic value.

Navigating the Rejection-to-Healing Journey

So, how do we move from the pain of rejection to a place of healing and resilience?

 * Acknowledge and Validate the Pain: Don't try to intellectualise or brush off the pain. Allow yourself to feel it. Acknowledge that it hurts, and that your feelings are valid. This is about honouring your emotional experience.

 * Challenge the Internal Narrative: Pay attention to the stories you're telling yourself about the rejection. Is your inner critic saying, 'You're not good enough'? Is it repeating a script from your past? Challenge these thoughts. Ask yourself: 'Is this thought a fact, or is it a story I'm telling myself?'

 * Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend who is hurting. Instead of self-criticism, offer yourself compassion. Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can, and that experiencing rejection is part of the human condition.

 * Re-evaluate the Situation, Not Your Self-Worth: Try to understand the rejection in its proper context. Was it a bad fit for the job? Was the other person not ready for a relationship? Can you learn from the experience without taking it as a personal failing?

 * Reconnect with Your Values and Strengths: Rejection can make us forget our worth. Now is the time to reconnect with the things that bring you joy and a sense of purpose. Spend time with supportive friends, engage in hobbies you love, and remind yourself of your unique strengths and talents.

The Opportunity for Growth

Rejection, while painful, is also a profound opportunity for growth. It can be a catalyst for self-discovery, a chance to refine our goals, and a test of our resilience. It forces us to confront our fears and vulnerabilities and to build a stronger, more compassionate relationship with ourselves.

Remember, the goal is not to become immune to rejection—that's impossible. The goal is to learn how to navigate its inevitable arrival with grace, self-awareness, and a deep sense of self-worth that is unshakable, regardless of what others choose or don't choose. Rejection is a part of the human story, but it doesn't have to define your narrative. 

Understanding Self-Harm

Self-harm is a topic often shrouded in silence and misunderstanding, yet it's a reality for a significant number of people. Self-harm is not a sign of weakness or a bid for attention, but rather a complex coping mechanism, a survival strategy born out of overwhelming emotional pain that deserves our compassionate understanding.

What is Self-Harm Really About?

The common thread in nearly every instance of self-harm is the urgent need to manage unbearable internal distress. While the action itself is physical, the roots are deeply emotional. People who self-harm are often trying to:

 * Stop Emotional Pain: For many, the physical pain serves as a powerful distraction from a whirlwind of intense emotions like anxiety, depression, anger, or despair. It's a way to feel something other than the internal agony.

 * Feel Something: Paradoxically, others use self-harm to break through a crippling sense of emotional numbness or depersonalisation. The physical sensation grounds them in the present moment, even if that feeling is pain.

 * Express the Unspeakable: When words fail, and a person lacks the ability to articulate their trauma or distress, the body becomes the communication tool. The injuries become a visible, undeniable sign of invisible pain.

 * Gain a Sense of Control: In lives where people feel utterly helpless—perhaps due to trauma, unstable relationships, or systemic pressures—the act of self-harm can offer a fleeting sense of control over their own body and pain.

It's critical to understand that for the individual, in that moment of crisis, self-harm works—it provides temporary relief. The problem is that the relief is short-lived, replaced quickly by a cycle of shame, guilt, and the original emotional trigger, leading to a desperate urge to repeat the behaviour.

The Therapeutic Approach: Compassion Over Condemnation

My role is not to judge, but to understand. The moment a client discloses self-harm is a pivotal one, requiring absolute non-judgement and a genuine desire to see the person beyond the behaviour.

 * Building the Alliance: The foundation of effective treatment is a strong, trusting therapeutic relationship. I start by validating the function of the behaviour. This acceptance lowers the client’s shame, allowing for deeper exploration.

 * The Function First: Before suggesting stopping, we explore why the self-harm is necessary. What emotions precede it? What is the relief it provides? Only by identifying the root cause can we find a healthier alternative to meet that same emotional need.

 * Developing New Skills: We work collaboratively to build a 'toolbox' of adaptive coping skills:

   * Distress Tolerance: Techniques to ride the wave of intense emotion without resorting to self-harm such as grounding techniques.

   * Emotional Regulation: Learning to identify, understand, and change intense emotions.

   * Mindfulness: Increasing awareness of the present moment to break free from reactive cycles.

 * Addressing Underlying Issues: Self-harm rarely exists in isolation. It often co-occurs with trauma, depression, anxiety, or personality difficulties. As the client gains stability with coping skills, therapy moves toward processing the deeper, systemic issues and past experiences that fuel the distress.

A Message of Hope

To anyone struggling with self-harm, please know this: You are not your behaviour. Your self-harm is a painful, albeit effective, solution to a problem you don't yet have the tools to solve in a safer way.

Healing from self-harm requires patience, self-compassion, and often, the support of mental health professionals. If you or someone you know is struggling with self-harm, please know that you are not alone and help is available. Reaching out to a therapist, a trusted friend or family member, or a crisis hotline is a courageous first step towards healing and finding healthier ways to navigate life's challenges.

Shame vs. Mistakes

There's a subtle but profound distinction between feeling regret for a mistake and being consumed by shame. Understanding this difference is not just an academic exercise; it's a crucial step towards healing and self-compassion.

What is a Mistake?

A mistake is an action or thought that, in hindsight, we wish we had done differently. It's a lapse in judgement, a misstep, or a failure to achieve a desired outcome. When we make a mistake, we feel a sense of regret, guilt, or disappointment. We might say, 'I shouldn't have said that', or 'I wish I had prepared more'.

 * Focus: The action itself.

 * Feeling: Guilt, regret, disappointment.

 * Core Belief: 'I did something wrong'.

 * Path Forward: Learn from it, apologise if needed, and move on.

The key here is that the mistake is an isolated event. It doesn't define our entire being. We can apologise for our actions, make amends, and learn from the experience without it shattering our sense of self.

What is Shame?

Shame is a far more insidious and painful emotion. It's not about what we did, but about who we are. Shame whispers, 'You are a bad person'. It's a deep-seated feeling of being fundamentally flawed, unworthy, and unlovable.

 * Focus: The self.

 * Feeling: Humiliation, worthlessness, isolation.

 * Core Belief: 'I am wrong'.

 * Path Forward: A difficult and often lonely journey of hiding, self-loathing, and avoidance.

Shame is a psychological prison. It convinces us that our entire identity is tainted by our actions. Instead of a single mistake, the shame-filled person sees themselves as a mistake. This leads to a spiral of self-sabotage, avoidance, and a desperate need to hide who we are.

My role is to help clients untangle these two emotions. We explore the following questions:

 * Is this about the action or the self? I guide clients to reframe their self-talk. Instead of 'I'm such a failure', we work towards 'That was a difficult situation, and I handled it poorly. What can I learn from this?'.

 * Where does this shame come from? Often, shame has roots in childhood experiences. Perhaps a parent or caregiver consistently criticised them, making them feel like they were 'bad' rather than simply having made a mistake.

 * How can we build self-compassion? We practice treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding we would offer a friend. We acknowledge the pain, but we don't let it define us. This involves recognising our shared humanity—that we all make mistakes.

The Path to Healing

The journey from shame to self-compassion is a marathon, not a sprint. It involves:

 * Mindful Awareness: Recognising when the 'I am wrong' voice takes over.

 * Self-Forgiveness: Acknowledging the mistake, making amends where possible, and then choosing to release the self-blame.

 * Connection: Breaking the isolation of shame by sharing our struggles with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. Shame thrives in secrecy.

Ultimately, a mistake is a teaching moment. It’s an opportunity for growth and change. Shame, on the other hand, is a cage. By learning to distinguish between the two, we can stop punishing ourselves for our humanity and begin the journey toward genuine healing and self-acceptance.