I often see clients struggling with a profound sense of self-doubt. They come in feeling anxious, lost, or emotionally depleted, and a common thread runs through many of these struggles: the subtle, insidious habit of outsourcing their self-worth.
We live in a world that constantly encourages us to look outside ourselves for proof of our value. We are taught to chase the promotion, the perfect relationship, the 'likes' on social media, or the approval of a critical parent or partner.
In essence, we are giving a significant piece of our emotional well-being—our validation—to others. What happens when we outsource this fundamental internal process?
What Does 'Outsourcing Validation' Look Like?
It’s the pattern of needing an external metric to feel 'good enough.' You might be outsourcing your validation if you:
* Rely on a partner’s mood to determine your own happiness. If they’re distant, you spiral into self-doubt about the relationship and your worth.
* Constantly seek praise or acknowledgement at work, feeling incompetent until your boss or colleagues affirm your efforts.
* Spend excessive time or energy cultivating a perfect image (online or in real life) to earn external approval.
* Need repeated reassurance from friends or family that you made the 'right' choice before you can feel secure in a decision.
* Allow criticism (especially unwarranted or unfair criticism) to immediately devastate your sense of self-worth.
The Psychological Trap
While seeking support and connecting with others is a vital part of the human experience, making external approval your primary source of self-worth is a dangerous psychological trap.
* It Creates Instability: The problem with external validation is that it is inherently volatile. People's opinions change, their moods fluctuate, and their attention shifts. When your self-worth is tethered to something outside your control, your emotional landscape will be constantly turbulent.
* It Breeds Codependency: When you need others to validate you, you are unconsciously placing a burden on them. This dynamic can erode healthy boundaries and lead to codependent behaviours, as you prioritise the other person's needs or feelings above your own to ensure their continued approval.
* It Silences Your Inner Voice: Every time you prioritise an external opinion, you take a step away from trusting your own instincts. This habit slowly erodes your ability to listen to and respect your own inner wisdom, leaving you feeling less authentic and more lost.
Reclaiming Your Internal Authority: The Work of Internal Validation
The shift from outsourcing to internalising your validation is often the core work we do in therapy. It is the process of gently, but firmly, taking back control of your self-worth.
This process is about learning to be your own most reliable witness and advocate.
Here are three steps to begin the work of internal validation:
* Become Aware of the 'Need': The next time you feel that intense urge to seek reassurance or check a social media notification, pause. Identify the feeling underneath it. Is it anxiety? Fear of failure? Loneliness? Naming the need is the first step toward addressing it yourself.
* Practice Self-Empathy and Reflection: Instead of turning outward for praise, turn inward for understanding. If you made a mistake at work, instead of waiting for a superior to tell you 'it's okay', sit with yourself. Acknowledge the effort you put in, offer yourself empathy for the difficulty of the task, and reflect on what you can learn.
* Try this: 'That was hard, and I feel disappointed. I am still capable, and I can learn from this moment'.
* Establish 'Self-Sufficient Boundaries': Create boundaries around your energy and your peace. This means stepping away from people or situations that consistently deplete you or require you to perform for their approval. It also means setting a boundary with your own need to 'check' with others before moving forward.
Reclaiming your validation is one of the most empowering acts of self-care you can undertake. It is the journey from feeling like a ship tossed about by external currents to becoming the captain of your own stable, reliable, and worthy inner world.
What is one small step you can take today to give yourself the validation you often seek from others?