Taking The First Step to Therapy

Why the Courage to Start Therapy is Always Worth It 

One of the most common things I hear from new clients isn't about their specific challenge; it's about the fear of just walking through the door.

Perhaps you've been considering therapy for months, maybe even years. You know you want change, but the idea of starting feels overwhelming. It feels like signing up for a difficult, painful, or unknown journey. I want to tell you that your hesitation is completely normal, and taking that first step is an act of profound strength.

Here is my perspective on why overcoming that initial fear is one of the best investments you can make in your life.

Understanding Your Fear: You’re Not Alone

Your fear is valid. Starting therapy often means facing vulnerability. You might be afraid of:

 * Being judged: Will the therapist think my problems are silly? Will they judge my past mistakes?

 * The unknown: What will we even talk about? Will they force me to talk about something I’m not ready for?

 * Intense emotions: What if I open a door I can't close? Will it make me feel worse before I feel better?

 * The stigma: The outdated idea that therapy is only for 'extreme' situations.

Let me reassure you: We expect the nervousness. A trained therapist is an objective, non-judgemental professional who understands the immense courage it takes to be honest with a stranger. Our primary goal is to create a safe, confidential space where you can explore your thoughts and feelings at your own pace.

The Unspoken Benefits of Just Starting

The benefits of therapy go far beyond solving a specific problem. Even the smallest steps in the beginning can have a massive impact.

1. The Power of the Safe Space

A therapy room is a unique sanctuary, a dedicated space where you are the sole focus. Unlike friendships or family relationships, this space has no expectations of you in return. You don't have to worry about burdening anyone, managing their reaction, or feeling obligated to listen to their issues. It is your time to be completely authentic. Just speaking your truth out loud, perhaps for the first time, can bring an immediate, tangible sense of relief.

2. Gaining a Non-judgemental Perspective

Friends and family offer support, but they are inherently biased. They are personally involved in your life, which limits their ability to offer truly objective insight. A therapist is trained to listen for patterns and connections that you can't see because you are too close to the situation. We don't tell you what to do; we help you see your situation more clearly, empowering you to find your own answers.

3. Developing Long-Term Tools, Not Just Quick Fixes

Psychotherapy isn't just about managing the current crisis; it's about building a psychological toolkit for life. We work with you to:

 * Identify and challenge unhelpful thought patterns.

 * Develop effective coping strategies for stress, anxiety, and grief.

 * Improve communication skills and set healthy boundaries in relationships.

 * Increase self-awareness, allowing you to react consciously instead of just habitually.

These are skills you carry with you long after therapy ends.

4. You Get to Set the Pace

A common fear is being forced to explore deep trauma immediately. A good therapeutic relationship is built on trust and collaboration.

 * In the beginning: It's okay to start small. We can spend the first few sessions simply discussing your current challenges, what brings you joy, and your goals for the future.

 * Your word is law: You never have to talk about anything you are not ready for. If a topic feels too overwhelming, you can simply say, 'I'm not ready to go there yet', and we will respect that boundary. Safety is paramount to the healing process.

My Final Encouragement

If you are reading this, your own inner voice is telling you that something needs attention. That quiet whisper of curiosity or desire for change is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Seeking therapy is not a failure; it is an incredibly brave act of self-care and self-advocacy. You deserve a life that feels lighter, more manageable, and more joyful.

Take a deep breath. You don't have to commit to a lifetime of therapy. All you have to do is commit to a single, first session. See what it feels like. You might just find that the scariest part was simply reaching out to make the first enquiry.

Your healing journey is worth the initial discomfort. I'll be here, ready to listen, whenever you are.

Tall Poppy Syndrome

I often see clients who have reached a pinnacle of success through a promotion, a creative breakthrough, or a personal milestone, only to find themselves feeling a strange sense of dread rather than delight.

They aren't afraid of failing; they are afraid of shining too brightly. This is the core of Tall Poppy Syndrome (TPS): the social phenomenon where people of high merit are resented, attacked, or 'cut down' simply because they have outgrown the rest of the field.

I view this not just as social jealousy, but as a complex psychological interplay between the individual’s achievement and the collective’s insecurity.

Why We 'Cut' the Tall Poppies

TPS is rarely about the person being cut down. It is a projection of the cutter's internal world.

 * Social Comparison & Self-Worth: When someone achieves something great, it can act as a mirror for others, reflecting back their own perceived inadequacies or stagnant goals. To avoid the pain of this reflection, they attempt to 'level the field' by diminishing the achiever.

 * The Threat of Outgrouping: Humans are evolutionary wired for tribal belonging. If one member of the tribe becomes 'too different' or 'too successful', it can trigger a primal fear in others that the group hierarchy is being disrupted.

 * Cognitive Dissonance: It’s often easier for others to believe you got 'lucky' or 'cheated' than to acknowledge your hard work, because the latter implies they could also achieve more if they applied themselves.

The Internal Toll: 'Success Guilt'

If you have been a victim of TPS, the psychological impact can be profound. It often manifests as:

 * Self-Sabotage: You might start 'playing small' or underperforming to avoid further criticism.

 * Imposter Syndrome: When the world tells you that you don't deserve your height, you eventually start to believe it.

 * Hyper-Vigilance: You spend more energy monitoring others’ reactions to your success than actually enjoying the success itself. Shrinking yourself doesn't actually make others feel better about themselves; it only validates their belief that excellence is something to be feared.

Cultivating Resilience

If you’re currently feeling the 'shears' of Tall Poppy Syndrome, here is how we work through it in a clinical setting:

Audit Your Circle

Surround yourself with 'greenhouse' people, those who find inspiration, not intimidation, in your growth. 

Depersonalise the Attack 

Recognise that the criticism is a confession of the other person’s insecurity. It is about their ceiling, not your height. 

Own Your Narrative 

Practice stating your achievements with self-assured confidence. You don't need to apologise for the work you put in. 

Vertical Growth  

Focus on your personal 'why'. When your motivation is internal, the external noise becomes secondary. 

Final Thoughts

In nature, the tallest poppy gets the most sunlight. While it may be the first to face the wind, it also has the best view. If you find people trying to cut you down, take it as a diagnostic sign: You are officially standing out. Don't bend to fit the height of the garden. Instead, find a garden where everyone is encouraged to grow.

Self-Sabotage

It’s one of the most frustrating human experiences: you finally land the job you wanted, start a healthy relationship, or commit to a new fitness goal...and then, seemingly out of nowhere, you blow it.

Clients often come in feeling like their own worst enemy, baffled by why they 'can't just let themselves be happy'. 

Self-sabotage isn't about being broken; it’s a misguided attempt by your brain to keep you safe.

The Paradox of the 'Inner Protector'

From a therapeutic lens, self-sabotage is rarely about wanting to fail. It is a defense mechanism. We sabotage because the subconscious mind perceives 'success' or 'change' as a threat to the status quo.

Even if your current situation is unhappy, it is familiar. To your nervous system, familiar equals safe. Stepping into the unknown, even if it's 'better', activates an alarm.

1. The Upper Limit Problem

Coined by Gay Hendricks, this theory suggests we all have an internal 'thermostat' for how much love, success, or creativity we allow ourselves to enjoy.

 * When we exceed that limit, we feel 'too good'.

 * To bring ourselves back to a comfortable level of mediocrity, we start a fight or miss a deadline.

2. Fear of Failure (and Success)

If you never truly try, you can’t truly fail. By procrastinating or underperforming, you give yourself an 'out'. You didn't fail because you weren't good enough; you 'failed' because you didn't start until the last minute. It protects the ego from the crushing weight of being 'found out' as inadequate.

3. Early Childhood Blueprints

We often repeat patterns we learned in childhood. If you grew up in a chaotic environment, peace can actually feel boring or anxiety-inducing.

 * The Blueprint: If you were told you were 'the messy one' or 'the dreamer', you might unconsciously sabotage your adult life to stay consistent with that early identity.

Common Sabotage Behaviour  

'If I don't finish, I can't be judged on the final product'.

Pickiness in Dating: 'If I find a flaw now, I won't have to risk being vulnerable later'.

Comparison: 'If I focus on how much better they are, I don't have to try'.

How to Step Out of Your Own Way

Healing from self-sabotage isn't about trying harder, it's about building self-compassion and awareness.

Identify the 'Payoff': Ask yourself, 'What does this sabotage protect me from?' (e.g., Is it protecting you from the fear of being seen? From the pressure of maintaining a high standard?)

Externalise the Voice: Instead of saying 'I am a failure', try 'A part of me is feeling scared of this new promotion'. This creates space between you and the behaviour.

Expand the Limit: Practice sitting with 'good' feelings for 30 seconds longer than usual. Teach your nervous system that success isn't a threat.

The Bottom Line

You aren't sabotaging because you're ‘weak’; you're sabotaging because you're protecting a younger, scared version of yourself. When you start treating that part of you with curiosity instead of contempt, the need to self-destruct begins to fade.

Synchronicity and Self

Synchronicity and Self: Do We Create Our Luck?

I often sit with clients who feel like they are either the victims of a relentless 'streak of bad luck' or the beneficiaries of a charmed life. The question inevitably arises: Is this fate, or am I doing this to myself?

From a Jungian perspective, the answer isn't a simple 'either/or'. Carl Jung, the founder of analytical psychology, suggested that what we perceive as 'luck' or 'fate' is often the result of a profound dialogue between our conscious minds and the deep waters of the unconscious.

The Architecture of the Unconscious

To understand luck through a Jungian lens, we first have to look at how Jung viewed the psyche. He believed that much of what happens 'to' us is actually a reflection of what is happening 'inside' us.

 * The Personal Unconscious: This houses our repressed memories and 'Shadow' elements.

 * The Collective Unconscious: A deeper layer shared by all humans, containing archetypes (universal patterns like the Hero, the Mother, or the Trickster).

 * The Ego: Our conscious sense of self.

Jung famously stated: 'Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate'. When we are unaware of our internal patterns, our fears, self-sabotaging beliefs, or unacknowledged desires, we tend to stumble into the same situations repeatedly. To the observer, it looks like 'bad luck'. To the Jungian, it looks like the unconscious trying to get our attention.

Synchronicity: When Luck and Meaning Collide

Jung introduced the concept of Synchronicity, the idea of 'meaningful coincidences'. This is the moment when an internal state (like a dream or a thought) aligns perfectly with an external event without any direct causal link.

 * Example: You are thinking about changing careers but feel terrified. That afternoon, you 'randomly' meet someone at a coffee shop who works in your dream field and offers you a lead.

Is that luck? Is it fate? Jung would argue it is a manifestation of the Self (the organising principle of the psyche) attempting to move you toward 'Individuation', the process of becoming who you truly are.

Creating 'Luck' Through Awareness

While we cannot control the spinning of the world, a Jungian approach suggests we can 'create' luck by increasing our psychological hospitality. We do this by:

 * Integrating the Shadow: When we face the parts of ourselves we dislike, we stop unconsciously 'arranging' failures to confirm our low self-esteem.

 * Paying Attention to Symbols: Luck often looks like a small opportunity. If we are stuck in a rigid ego-perspective, we miss the 'breadcrumbs' the unconscious leaves for us.

 * Active Imagination: By engaging with our inner world, we become more attuned to the external world. We begin to 'see' the doors that were always there, but previously invisible to us.

The Verdict: Fate or Creation?

In therapy, we often find that 'Fate' is what happens when we are asleep at the wheel of our own psyche. 'Luck' is what happens when we are awake enough to recognise the opportunities the universe (and our unconscious) provides.

We don't necessarily manifest luck like a magic trick. Rather, we align ourselves with the flow of our own psychological development. When you are in harmony with your internal archetypes, the external world often seems to conspire in your favour. Luck is the moment where preparation (inner work) meets opportunity (the external world).

Forgiving Your Spouse

I often see couples sitting on opposite ends of the couch, separated not by distance, but by the weight of a past mistake. Whether it’s a broken promise, a financial secret, or an emotional betrayal, the question is always the same: 'How do I actually move past this?'

Forgiveness is often misunderstood as 'letting someone off the hook' or pretending the hurt didn't happen. In reality, forgiveness is a psychological process of unburdening yourself. It is the intentional decision to release the resentment that is keeping you tethered to the pain.

Here is how we approach the work of forgiveness from a clinical perspective.

1. Differentiate Forgiveness from Reconciliation

One of the biggest hurdles to forgiveness is the fear that forgiving means everything goes back to 'normal'. It’s helpful to view these as two distinct paths:

 * Forgiveness: An internal shift where you let go of the desire to punish your spouse. You can forgive someone even if the relationship doesn’t survive.

 * Reconciliation: An external process where two people work to rebuild trust. This requires effort from both parties.

2. Move from 'Why' to 'How'

When we are hurt, we get stuck in a 'Why?' loop: Why did they do it? Why wasn't I enough? While understanding the context is important, staying in the 'Why' often leads to rumination.

I encourage clients to shift toward:

 * How do we ensure this never happens again?

 * How is this history impacting our present-day triggers?

 * How can we build a 'New Contract' for our relationship?

3. The Anatomy of a True Apology

Forgiveness is significantly easier when the spouse who made the mistake provides a 'repair'. In clinical terms, a restorative apology must include:

 * Validation: 'I see the pain I caused you'.

 * Accountability: No 'I’m sorry if you felt that way'. Just 'I am sorry I did X'.

 * Remorse: A genuine expression of regret.

 * Reparation: A plan to make it right or change the behaviour.

4. Processing the 'Grief of the Ideal'

Forgiving a spouse often requires grieving the version of the relationship you thought you had. You are mourning the 'ideal' spouse and accepting the 'real' (and flawed) human in front of you. This doesn't mean lowering your standards; it means acknowledging that your partner is capable of causing pain, and deciding if you can love the person they are today.

5. Managing the 'Relapse' of Emotion

Forgiveness isn't a one-time event; it’s a practice. You might feel totally at peace on Tuesday and then feel a surge of white-hot anger on Thursday.

When the anger returns, don't view it as a failure of forgiveness. View it as a 'flare-up' of a wound that is still healing. Acknowledge the feeling, breathe through it, and remind yourself: 'I am choosing to move forward, even though this hurts right now'.

The Goal: A 'New' Relationship 

We often want to 'get back to the way things were'. The truth is, the old version of the relationship is gone. The goal of forgiveness is to build a Version 2.0—one that is perhaps less 'innocent', but more resilient, honest, and grounded in reality.

Forgiveness is the bridge that allows you to walk out of the past and into that new future.