Understanding Self-Harm

Self-harm is a topic often shrouded in silence and misunderstanding, yet it's a reality for a significant number of people. Self-harm is not a sign of weakness or a bid for attention, but rather a complex coping mechanism, a survival strategy born out of overwhelming emotional pain that deserves our compassionate understanding.

What is Self-Harm Really About?

The common thread in nearly every instance of self-harm is the urgent need to manage unbearable internal distress. While the action itself is physical, the roots are deeply emotional. People who self-harm are often trying to:

 * Stop Emotional Pain: For many, the physical pain serves as a powerful distraction from a whirlwind of intense emotions like anxiety, depression, anger, or despair. It's a way to feel something other than the internal agony.

 * Feel Something: Paradoxically, others use self-harm to break through a crippling sense of emotional numbness or depersonalisation. The physical sensation grounds them in the present moment, even if that feeling is pain.

 * Express the Unspeakable: When words fail, and a person lacks the ability to articulate their trauma or distress, the body becomes the communication tool. The injuries become a visible, undeniable sign of invisible pain.

 * Gain a Sense of Control: In lives where people feel utterly helpless—perhaps due to trauma, unstable relationships, or systemic pressures—the act of self-harm can offer a fleeting sense of control over their own body and pain.

It's critical to understand that for the individual, in that moment of crisis, self-harm works—it provides temporary relief. The problem is that the relief is short-lived, replaced quickly by a cycle of shame, guilt, and the original emotional trigger, leading to a desperate urge to repeat the behaviour.

The Therapeutic Approach: Compassion Over Condemnation

My role is not to judge, but to understand. The moment a client discloses self-harm is a pivotal one, requiring absolute non-judgement and a genuine desire to see the person beyond the behaviour.

 * Building the Alliance: The foundation of effective treatment is a strong, trusting therapeutic relationship. I start by validating the function of the behaviour. This acceptance lowers the client’s shame, allowing for deeper exploration.

 * The Function First: Before suggesting stopping, we explore why the self-harm is necessary. What emotions precede it? What is the relief it provides? Only by identifying the root cause can we find a healthier alternative to meet that same emotional need.

 * Developing New Skills: We work collaboratively to build a 'toolbox' of adaptive coping skills:

   * Distress Tolerance: Techniques to ride the wave of intense emotion without resorting to self-harm such as grounding techniques.

   * Emotional Regulation: Learning to identify, understand, and change intense emotions.

   * Mindfulness: Increasing awareness of the present moment to break free from reactive cycles.

 * Addressing Underlying Issues: Self-harm rarely exists in isolation. It often co-occurs with trauma, depression, anxiety, or personality difficulties. As the client gains stability with coping skills, therapy moves toward processing the deeper, systemic issues and past experiences that fuel the distress.

A Message of Hope

To anyone struggling with self-harm, please know this: You are not your behaviour. Your self-harm is a painful, albeit effective, solution to a problem you don't yet have the tools to solve in a safer way.

Healing from self-harm requires patience, self-compassion, and often, the support of mental health professionals. If you or someone you know is struggling with self-harm, please know that you are not alone and help is available. Reaching out to a therapist, a trusted friend or family member, or a crisis hotline is a courageous first step towards healing and finding healthier ways to navigate life's challenges.

Shame vs. Mistakes

There's a subtle but profound distinction between feeling regret for a mistake and being consumed by shame. Understanding this difference is not just an academic exercise; it's a crucial step towards healing and self-compassion.

What is a Mistake?

A mistake is an action or thought that, in hindsight, we wish we had done differently. It's a lapse in judgement, a misstep, or a failure to achieve a desired outcome. When we make a mistake, we feel a sense of regret, guilt, or disappointment. We might say, 'I shouldn't have said that', or 'I wish I had prepared more'.

 * Focus: The action itself.

 * Feeling: Guilt, regret, disappointment.

 * Core Belief: 'I did something wrong'.

 * Path Forward: Learn from it, apologise if needed, and move on.

The key here is that the mistake is an isolated event. It doesn't define our entire being. We can apologise for our actions, make amends, and learn from the experience without it shattering our sense of self.

What is Shame?

Shame is a far more insidious and painful emotion. It's not about what we did, but about who we are. Shame whispers, 'You are a bad person'. It's a deep-seated feeling of being fundamentally flawed, unworthy, and unlovable.

 * Focus: The self.

 * Feeling: Humiliation, worthlessness, isolation.

 * Core Belief: 'I am wrong'.

 * Path Forward: A difficult and often lonely journey of hiding, self-loathing, and avoidance.

Shame is a psychological prison. It convinces us that our entire identity is tainted by our actions. Instead of a single mistake, the shame-filled person sees themselves as a mistake. This leads to a spiral of self-sabotage, avoidance, and a desperate need to hide who we are.

My role is to help clients untangle these two emotions. We explore the following questions:

 * Is this about the action or the self? I guide clients to reframe their self-talk. Instead of 'I'm such a failure', we work towards 'That was a difficult situation, and I handled it poorly. What can I learn from this?'.

 * Where does this shame come from? Often, shame has roots in childhood experiences. Perhaps a parent or caregiver consistently criticised them, making them feel like they were 'bad' rather than simply having made a mistake.

 * How can we build self-compassion? We practice treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding we would offer a friend. We acknowledge the pain, but we don't let it define us. This involves recognising our shared humanity—that we all make mistakes.

The Path to Healing

The journey from shame to self-compassion is a marathon, not a sprint. It involves:

 * Mindful Awareness: Recognising when the 'I am wrong' voice takes over.

 * Self-Forgiveness: Acknowledging the mistake, making amends where possible, and then choosing to release the self-blame.

 * Connection: Breaking the isolation of shame by sharing our struggles with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. Shame thrives in secrecy.

Ultimately, a mistake is a teaching moment. It’s an opportunity for growth and change. Shame, on the other hand, is a cage. By learning to distinguish between the two, we can stop punishing ourselves for our humanity and begin the journey toward genuine healing and self-acceptance.

Couples - Arguments & The Need to be 'Right'

Arguments are an unavoidable part of any relationship. Whether it's about finances, housework, or how to load the dishwasher, disagreements are bound to pop up. What happens when winning the argument, or proving you're 'right', becomes more important than finding a solution or, more importantly, nurturing your relationship?

The Silent Relationship Killer: The Need to Be Right

The desire to 'win' an argument often stems from a deeper place: a need for validation, a fear of being wrong, or even a sense of insecurity. When this need takes over, an argument stops being a healthy discussion and morphs into a battleground where one person's victory means the other's defeat.

Think about it: when you're solely focused on being right, are you truly listening to your partner? Are you trying to understand their perspective, their feelings, or the underlying reasons for their stance? Or are you simply waiting for your turn to present your next piece of evidence, to interrupt, or to poke holes in their argument?

This dynamic creates a vicious cycle. The more one person pushes to be right, the more defensive the other becomes. Resentment builds, communication breaks down, and emotional distance grows. Over time, these seemingly small victories in arguments can lead to a significant loss in intimacy and connection.

Shifting Focus: From 'Winning' to 'Connecting'

So, how do we break free from this pattern? It starts with a fundamental shift in perspective. Instead of viewing arguments as a competition, begin to see them as an opportunity for deeper understanding and connection.

Here are some key insights and strategies from the world of couples therapy:

1. Recognise the Cost of 'Winning'

Before you dig your heels in, ask yourself: What is the real cost of 'winning' this argument? Is it worth the emotional distance it might create? Is it worth making your partner feel unheard or unvalued? Often, the temporary satisfaction of being 'right' pales in comparison to the long-term damage it can inflict on your relationship.

2. Prioritise Empathy Over Egotism

Instead of formulating your rebuttal, try to genuinely understand your partner's point of view. Practice active listening: really hear what they're saying, both verbally and non-verbally. Reflect back what you hear to ensure you've understood them correctly. You don't have to agree with them to understand them. This simple act of empathy can de-escalate tension and open the door for more productive dialogue.

3. Identify the Underlying Need

Often, what we're arguing about isn't the real issue. A fight about a messy house might actually be about feeling overwhelmed and unsupported. A disagreement about money could be rooted in different views on security or freedom. As a couple, try to look beyond the surface-level issue and identify the deeper needs, fears, or desires that are at play for both of you.

4. Focus on 'We' Instead of 'Me'

In a healthy relationship, you're on the same team. When an argument arises, instead of thinking 'How can I prove I'm right?', ask yourselves, 'How can we solve this problem together?' This collaborative mindset shifts the energy from opposition to cooperation.

5. Agree to Disagree – Respectfully

There will be times when you simply won't see eye to eye and that's okay! It's not about always reaching a perfect consensus, but about navigating disagreements in a way that respects both individuals. You can agree to disagree without being disagreeable. This means acknowledging your differences, validating each other's feelings, and moving forward without lingering resentment.

Ultimately, the goal in a healthy relationship isn't to be right; it's to be in a loving, respectful, and connected partnership. When you choose connection over correction, and understanding over winning, you'll find that your relationship doesn't just survive arguments – it grows stronger because of them.

What's one small shift you can make in your next disagreement to prioritise your relationship over being 'right'?

Racket Emotions

Racket Emotions: The False Currency of Our Inner World

One of the most fascinating concepts I encounter in my work is the idea of 'racket emotions' from the school of Transactional Analysis (TA).

If you're new to TA, it's a powerful framework for understanding human behaviour and communication, developed by Eric Berne. It posits that we all operate from three 'ego states'—Parent, Adult, and Child—and that our interactions (or 'transactions') are driven by these states. Today, I want to zero in on a concept that's often a key player in our personal dramas: racket emotions.

What Exactly is a Racket Emotion?

Imagine a child who is genuinely sad but has learned that expressing sadness doesn't get them the attention or comfort they need. Instead, they find that getting angry or acting out does bring a response—even if it's a negative one. Over time, this child learns to substitute the 'unacceptable' emotion (sadness) with the 'acceptable' or 'useful' one (anger).

This is a racket emotion in its purest form.

A racket emotion isn't a real feeling in the present moment. It's a learned, counterfeit emotion that we've adopted to get our needs met, or to justify our behaviours, often in a way that avoids confronting a more vulnerable or painful underlying feeling.

Think of it as a 'substitute currency'. We're trying to buy something (e.g., attention, validation, control) with fake money. We feel the frustration, but it’s a cover for the deeper wound of feeling abandoned or unloved. We act out in anger, but the real feeling is one of profound helplessness or fear.

The Psychology Behind the Racket

The origins of racket emotions are almost always rooted in childhood. In our early years, we are learning machines, and we quickly figure out what kinds of emotional displays are 'allowed' or rewarded in our family system.

 * Suppression: Maybe you were told 'big boys don't cry', so you learned to suppress your sadness and instead express frustration or aggression.

 * Modelling: Perhaps you grew up in a household where anger was the primary way of communicating discontent, so you modelled that behaviour.

 * Manipulation: We might have learned that expressing helplessness or anxiety gets us rescued, so we lean on that emotion to avoid responsibility.

This is not a conscious, malicious choice. It's a survival strategy. The child is simply trying to navigate their world and get their fundamental needs met. The problem is, these strategies become so deeply ingrained that we carry them into adulthood.

How Racket Emotions Play Out in Adult Life

In our adult relationships, racket emotions create a cycle of misunderstanding and emotional disconnection. We're showing up with a mask on, and so are others.

 * The 'Always Angry' Partner: They seem to get mad at the slightest thing, but beneath the anger, there might be a deep-seated feeling of inadequacy or loneliness that they don't know how to express.

 * The 'Chronic Victim': This person constantly feels helpless and anxious. But the racket emotion of anxiety might be a way to avoid taking responsibility for their own choices, a way to keep others 'hooked' into rescuing them.

 * The 'Jokester': This person uses humour and a cheerful facade to deflect from feelings of deep sadness or shame. The laughter is the racket, and the real pain is hidden beneath.

The trouble is, when we express a racket emotion, the person on the other end is not responding to our true need. They're responding to the counterfeit feeling. This leads to a profound sense of not being seen or understood, which only reinforces the original, unaddressed pain. It's a self-perpetuating loop.

Breaking Free from the Racket

The journey of healing from racket emotions is about moving from being a puppet of our past to the author of our present. It's about reconnecting with our authentic feelings.

Here’s how we begin that process in therapy:

 * Awareness is the First Step: We start by identifying the racket. 'When you feel hurt, do you tend to get angry instead?' 'Do you notice that when you're feeling scared, you put on a brave face and act as if everything is fine?'

 * Uncovering the Authentic Emotion: Through gentle exploration and self-reflection, we ask, 'What's the real feeling underneath the anger, anxiety, or bravado?' We're looking for the original, often more vulnerable, feeling.

 * Grieving the Past: We acknowledge and validate the child who had to resort to these strategies. It's important to understand that this was a functional way to survive at the time. We can show compassion to our younger selves.

 * Learning New Strategies: Once we can identify and connect with the authentic emotion, we can learn healthier ways to express it. This might involve learning to say, 'I feel hurt', instead of lashing out, or 'I'm scared', instead of withdrawing.

My role is not to judge these emotions but to create a safe space for them to be seen, felt, and understood. The goal is to help my clients move beyond the counterfeit currency of rackets and embrace the richness and authenticity of their true emotional selves. When we can do that, we open the door to deeper, more meaningful connections with ourselves and with others.

The Illusion of Control

Have you ever felt an overwhelming need to be in control? The world can feel chaotic, unpredictable, and at times, overwhelming. In response, many of us develop a strong desire to manage every aspect of our lives—our schedules, our relationships, our work, and even our emotions. This need for control, while seemingly protective, is often an intricate defense mechanism with deeper roots.

What Drives the Need for Control?

At its core, the need for control is typically a response to fear and anxiety. When we feel a lack of safety or stability, whether it's due to a traumatic event, an unstable childhood, or even just the everyday uncertainties of life, we seek to create an illusion of order. By controlling our environment, we attempt to control our internal world and minimise the risk of pain, disappointment, or failure.

Think of it as a coping strategy. If you can meticulously plan your day, you won't be caught off guard. If you can manage your partner's every move, you won't be abandoned. If you can perfect your work, you won't face criticism. The logic, while flawed, is compelling: if I can control it all, I can prevent bad things from happening.

The Control Paradox

The irony is that the more we try to control, the more we often feel out of control. When we hold on so tightly, we become rigid. Life, however, is fluid and unpredictable. Unexpected events, human error, and the actions of others are simply outside of our jurisdiction.

This is where the paradox becomes painful. When our rigid plans inevitably go awry—when a colleague doesn't follow our instructions, when traffic makes us late, or when a loved one makes an independent choice—our sense of safety shatters. The world that we so carefully constructed to feel predictable now feels even more chaotic, and our anxiety spikes. This often leads to a vicious cycle: the more anxious we feel, the more we try to control, and the more we try to control, the more fragile our sense of order becomes.

Control and Its Manifestations

In therapy, the need for control shows up in many forms:

 * Micromanagement: In professional and personal relationships, this looks like over-directing, delegating with extreme oversight, and an inability to trust others to complete tasks.

 * Perfectionism: A relentless pursuit of flawlessness, often tied to a fear of criticism or failure.

 * Rigid thinking: The inability to adapt to new information or different perspectives, clinging to 'the way things should be'.

 * Emotional suppression: The attempt to control and suppress difficult emotions like sadness, anger, or fear, leading to emotional numbness or explosive outbursts.

 * Anxiety and OCD: In more extreme cases, the need for control can manifest in anxiety disorders or Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, where rituals and compulsions are used to manage intrusive thoughts and fears.

Finding Freedom in Letting Go

So, how do we break free from the illusion of control? It’s not about becoming passive or apathetic. It's about shifting our focus from controlling external events to managing our internal reactions.

 * Acknowledge the Fear: The first step is to recognise the underlying fear. What are you afraid of? Failure? Rejection? Chaos? Naming the fear is the beginning of taming it.

 * Practice Acceptance: Acceptance isn't resignation; it's acknowledging reality as it is, not as you wish it to be. This means accepting that you can't control what others think or do, you can't prevent every setback, and life will have its moments of discomfort.

 * Focus on Your Sphere of Influence: Instead of trying to control the uncontrollable, direct your energy toward what you can control: your actions, your effort, and your response. You can't control the outcome of a job interview, but you can control your preparation. You can't control another person's emotions, but you can control how you communicate and set boundaries.

 * Embrace Imperfection: Release the grip of perfectionism. Recognise that mistakes are not failures but opportunities for learning and growth.

 * Build a Tolerant Nervous System: Through practices like mindfulness, deep breathing, and self-compassion, we can learn to tolerate the discomfort of uncertainty without immediately reaching for a control mechanism.

The journey away from the need for control is a process of unlearning. It's a shift from seeking a fragile sense of safety to building a robust sense of resilience. I've seen countless individuals find peace not in managing every variable of their lives, but in finding the strength to navigate the beautiful, messy, and unpredictable reality of being human. True freedom lies not in control, but in the courage to let go.