I've seen countless individuals whose self-worth is a fragile boat, constantly tossed by the waves of external approval. They live by the 'likes', the compliments, the promotions, and the fear of criticism. While seeking connection and feedback is natural, tying your core sense of self to it creates an emotional rollercoaster.
The antidote? Internal Self-Validation.
This is more than just positive self-talk. From a therapeutic perspective, self-validation is a foundational skill—the ability to acknowledge and accept your own internal experience (your feelings, thoughts, and sensations) without judgement, regardless of what others think. It's building an unshakeable inner compass that guides your emotional life.
Why Internal Validation is Your Emotional Superpower
When you learn to validate yourself, you move from a state of dependence to one of resilience and self-trust.
1. It Fosters Emotional Resilience
If your self-esteem is anchored internally, a harsh critique or a disappointing rejection won't send you spiralling. You can feel the pain, sadness, or anger, acknowledge it ('It makes sense that I feel hurt by that rejection'), and still hold onto your inherent worth. This is the core of emotional resilience.
2. It's the Key to Authenticity
The constant chase for external approval forces us to mold our behaviour to please others. When you validate yourself, you stop performing. You become free to align your actions with your core values and goals, leading to more genuine relationships and a stronger sense of self-identity.
3. It Halts the Cycle of Invalidation
Many of us grew up in environments where our feelings were dismissed ('Stop crying', 'You're too sensitive', 'Don't be a drama queen'). These messages become our internal critic, telling us our feelings are 'wrong' or 'unjustified'. Self-validation is how we interrupt this harmful, shame-inducing cycle and begin to heal old wounds.
The 3-Step Process: How to Practice Self-Validation
In therapy, self-validation is broken down into simple, repeatable steps. Think of yourself as a compassionate therapist to your own inner self.
Step 1: Acknowledge and Observe (Mindfulness)
Before you can validate, you must first notice. This step requires gentle, non-judgemental awareness.
* Practice Mindfulness: Take a moment to check in with your body and your emotions. What am I feeling right now? Is there tension in my shoulders? A knot in my stomach?
* Name the Emotion: Simply label the experience without judging it. Instead of, 'I am such a failure because I'm anxious', say, 'I notice I am feeling a strong wave of anxiety'.
* Acknowledge the Facts: State your experience in a matter-of-fact way. 'I am feeling overwhelmed because my workload is heavy', or 'I am disappointed about the outcome of that interview'.
Step 2: Accept and Allow (Non-judgement)
This is the hardest part for many. Acceptance does not mean you agree with the feeling, or that you like it. It means you stop fighting its existence.
* Create Space for the Feeling: Remind yourself that all feelings are temporary and that you are allowed to experience them. Say, 'It's okay to feel this way. This feeling is understandable', or 'I am a human being, and all humans experience disappointment'.
* Stop the 'Shoulds': The invalidating internal voice loves to use 'shoulds'. ('I shouldn't be this sad', 'I should be over this already'.) Replace this with compassion and curiosity. 'Given everything I’m dealing with, it makes sense that I’m struggling today'.
* Separate Yourself from the Emotion: Remember, you have feelings; you are not defined by them. Instead of 'I am angry', try 'I feel angry'. This subtle shift creates distance and lessens the intensity.
Step 3: Find the Reason (Contextual Understanding)
Validation communicates that your experience makes sense within your current situation or life history. This is where you connect the dots with self-compassion.
* Look for the Context: Ask yourself: Why does this reaction make sense right now?
* External Context: 'I'm exhausted and irritable because I've only had four hours of sleep for three nights in a row'.
* Historical Context: 'I feel disproportionately hurt by that small criticism, and that makes sense, because it activates an old pain from when I was frequently criticised as a child'.
* Identify the Underlying Need: Your emotions are messengers. What is this feeling trying to tell you?
* Anxiety might mean you need rest or safety.
* Loneliness might mean you need connection
* Anger might mean you need to set a boundary
* Respond with Action (Self-Care): Once you've validated the feeling and the need, take a compassionate action. If you realise you are overwhelmed, self-validate with a statement ('I'm feeling overwhelmed, and that's understandable'), and then respond with self-care ('I'm going to take a 15-minute break and reschedule one of my non-urgent tasks').
Making the Shift
Cultivating internal self-validation is not a destination; it's a daily practice. It means choosing to treat yourself with the same empathy, understanding, and respect that you would automatically offer to a dear friend.
It may feel unfamiliar or even selfish at first, especially if you were taught to prioritise others' feelings over your own. However, remember this: A stable inner self is the most valuable resource you have. When you validate yourself, you build a sturdy internal foundation, ensuring that your sense of worth is secure, unshakeable, and truly your own.