External Validation

I often see clients struggling with a profound sense of self-doubt. They come in feeling anxious, lost, or emotionally depleted, and a common thread runs through many of these struggles: the subtle, insidious habit of outsourcing their self-worth.

We live in a world that constantly encourages us to look outside ourselves for proof of our value. We are taught to chase the promotion, the perfect relationship, the 'likes' on social media, or the approval of a critical parent or partner.

In essence, we are giving a significant piece of our emotional well-being—our validation—to others. What happens when we outsource this fundamental internal process?

What Does 'Outsourcing Validation' Look Like?

It’s the pattern of needing an external metric to feel 'good enough.' You might be outsourcing your validation if you:

 * Rely on a partner’s mood to determine your own happiness. If they’re distant, you spiral into self-doubt about the relationship and your worth.

 * Constantly seek praise or acknowledgement at work, feeling incompetent until your boss or colleagues affirm your efforts.

 * Spend excessive time or energy cultivating a perfect image (online or in real life) to earn external approval.

 * Need repeated reassurance from friends or family that you made the 'right' choice before you can feel secure in a decision.

 * Allow criticism (especially unwarranted or unfair criticism) to immediately devastate your sense of self-worth.

The Psychological Trap

While seeking support and connecting with others is a vital part of the human experience, making external approval your primary source of self-worth is a dangerous psychological trap.

 * It Creates Instability: The problem with external validation is that it is inherently volatile. People's opinions change, their moods fluctuate, and their attention shifts. When your self-worth is tethered to something outside your control, your emotional landscape will be constantly turbulent.

 * It Breeds Codependency: When you need others to validate you, you are unconsciously placing a burden on them. This dynamic can erode healthy boundaries and lead to codependent behaviours, as you prioritise the other person's needs or feelings above your own to ensure their continued approval.

 * It Silences Your Inner Voice: Every time you prioritise an external opinion, you take a step away from trusting your own instincts. This habit slowly erodes your ability to listen to and respect your own inner wisdom, leaving you feeling less authentic and more lost.

Reclaiming Your Internal Authority: The Work of Internal Validation

The shift from outsourcing to internalising your validation is often the core work we do in therapy. It is the process of gently, but firmly, taking back control of your self-worth.

This process is about learning to be your own most reliable witness and advocate.

Here are three steps to begin the work of internal validation:

* Become Aware of the 'Need': The next time you feel that intense urge to seek reassurance or check a social media notification, pause. Identify the feeling underneath it. Is it anxiety? Fear of failure? Loneliness? Naming the need is the first step toward addressing it yourself.

* Practice Self-Empathy and Reflection: Instead of turning outward for praise, turn inward for understanding. If you made a mistake at work, instead of waiting for a superior to tell you 'it's okay', sit with yourself. Acknowledge the effort you put in, offer yourself empathy for the difficulty of the task, and reflect on what you can learn.

* Try this: 'That was hard, and I feel disappointed. I am still capable, and I can learn from this moment'.

* Establish 'Self-Sufficient Boundaries': Create boundaries around your energy and your peace. This means stepping away from people or situations that consistently deplete you or require you to perform for their approval. It also means setting a boundary with your own need to 'check' with others before moving forward.

Reclaiming your validation is one of the most empowering acts of self-care you can undertake. It is the journey from feeling like a ship tossed about by external currents to becoming the captain of your own stable, reliable, and worthy inner world.

What is one small step you can take today to give yourself the validation you often seek from others? 

Rejection

Rejection is a universal human experience. It's the sting we feel when we're not chosen for a job, the heartache when a relationship ends, or the social ache when we're left out of a group. Why does rejection hurt so much, and how can we navigate it in a way that promotes healing and growth? Rejection isn't just a single event; it's a complex interplay of our past, our self-worth, and our deeply ingrained need for connection.

The Pain of Rejection

The pain of rejection is not just emotional; it's deeply physiological. Neuroscientific research has shown that the same brain regions that process the emotional and unpleasant aspects of

physical pain—the anterior cingulate cortex and the insula—are activated when we experience social rejection. This biological link explains why a social snub can feel as sharp as a physical blow. Our brains are wired to see social connection as a matter of survival, a relic from our evolutionary past where being part of a tribe was essential for safety and well-being.

The Echo of Our Past

I often see how a current rejection can trigger old wounds. A failed relationship might echo the feeling of being unloved in childhood. A job rejection might tap into a deep-seated belief that we're not good enough. These echoes are powerful and can amplify the pain of the present moment. We're not just reacting to the current event; we're also reliving a pattern of feeling unseen, unheard, or unworthy.

Rejection and Self-Worth

One of the most insidious aspects of rejection is how it can erode our sense of self-worth. We often internalise rejection, turning 'I was rejected' into 'I am a reject'. We start to see the rejection as a verdict on our character, our capabilities, or our value as a person. This shift from an external event to an internal identity can be devastating. It's crucial to remember that rejection is a reflection of a specific situation, not a definitive statement about our intrinsic value.

Navigating the Rejection-to-Healing Journey

So, how do we move from the pain of rejection to a place of healing and resilience?

 * Acknowledge and Validate the Pain: Don't try to intellectualise or brush off the pain. Allow yourself to feel it. Acknowledge that it hurts, and that your feelings are valid. This is about honouring your emotional experience.

 * Challenge the Internal Narrative: Pay attention to the stories you're telling yourself about the rejection. Is your inner critic saying, 'You're not good enough'? Is it repeating a script from your past? Challenge these thoughts. Ask yourself: 'Is this thought a fact, or is it a story I'm telling myself?'

 * Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend who is hurting. Instead of self-criticism, offer yourself compassion. Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can, and that experiencing rejection is part of the human condition.

 * Re-evaluate the Situation, Not Your Self-Worth: Try to understand the rejection in its proper context. Was it a bad fit for the job? Was the other person not ready for a relationship? Can you learn from the experience without taking it as a personal failing?

 * Reconnect with Your Values and Strengths: Rejection can make us forget our worth. Now is the time to reconnect with the things that bring you joy and a sense of purpose. Spend time with supportive friends, engage in hobbies you love, and remind yourself of your unique strengths and talents.

The Opportunity for Growth

Rejection, while painful, is also a profound opportunity for growth. It can be a catalyst for self-discovery, a chance to refine our goals, and a test of our resilience. It forces us to confront our fears and vulnerabilities and to build a stronger, more compassionate relationship with ourselves.

Remember, the goal is not to become immune to rejection—that's impossible. The goal is to learn how to navigate its inevitable arrival with grace, self-awareness, and a deep sense of self-worth that is unshakable, regardless of what others choose or don't choose. Rejection is a part of the human story, but it doesn't have to define your narrative. 

Understanding Self-Harm

Self-harm is a topic often shrouded in silence and misunderstanding, yet it's a reality for a significant number of people. Self-harm is not a sign of weakness or a bid for attention, but rather a complex coping mechanism, a survival strategy born out of overwhelming emotional pain that deserves our compassionate understanding.

What is Self-Harm Really About?

The common thread in nearly every instance of self-harm is the urgent need to manage unbearable internal distress. While the action itself is physical, the roots are deeply emotional. People who self-harm are often trying to:

 * Stop Emotional Pain: For many, the physical pain serves as a powerful distraction from a whirlwind of intense emotions like anxiety, depression, anger, or despair. It's a way to feel something other than the internal agony.

 * Feel Something: Paradoxically, others use self-harm to break through a crippling sense of emotional numbness or depersonalisation. The physical sensation grounds them in the present moment, even if that feeling is pain.

 * Express the Unspeakable: When words fail, and a person lacks the ability to articulate their trauma or distress, the body becomes the communication tool. The injuries become a visible, undeniable sign of invisible pain.

 * Gain a Sense of Control: In lives where people feel utterly helpless—perhaps due to trauma, unstable relationships, or systemic pressures—the act of self-harm can offer a fleeting sense of control over their own body and pain.

It's critical to understand that for the individual, in that moment of crisis, self-harm works—it provides temporary relief. The problem is that the relief is short-lived, replaced quickly by a cycle of shame, guilt, and the original emotional trigger, leading to a desperate urge to repeat the behaviour.

The Therapeutic Approach: Compassion Over Condemnation

My role is not to judge, but to understand. The moment a client discloses self-harm is a pivotal one, requiring absolute non-judgement and a genuine desire to see the person beyond the behaviour.

 * Building the Alliance: The foundation of effective treatment is a strong, trusting therapeutic relationship. I start by validating the function of the behaviour. This acceptance lowers the client’s shame, allowing for deeper exploration.

 * The Function First: Before suggesting stopping, we explore why the self-harm is necessary. What emotions precede it? What is the relief it provides? Only by identifying the root cause can we find a healthier alternative to meet that same emotional need.

 * Developing New Skills: We work collaboratively to build a 'toolbox' of adaptive coping skills:

   * Distress Tolerance: Techniques to ride the wave of intense emotion without resorting to self-harm such as grounding techniques.

   * Emotional Regulation: Learning to identify, understand, and change intense emotions.

   * Mindfulness: Increasing awareness of the present moment to break free from reactive cycles.

 * Addressing Underlying Issues: Self-harm rarely exists in isolation. It often co-occurs with trauma, depression, anxiety, or personality difficulties. As the client gains stability with coping skills, therapy moves toward processing the deeper, systemic issues and past experiences that fuel the distress.

A Message of Hope

To anyone struggling with self-harm, please know this: You are not your behaviour. Your self-harm is a painful, albeit effective, solution to a problem you don't yet have the tools to solve in a safer way.

Healing from self-harm requires patience, self-compassion, and often, the support of mental health professionals. If you or someone you know is struggling with self-harm, please know that you are not alone and help is available. Reaching out to a therapist, a trusted friend or family member, or a crisis hotline is a courageous first step towards healing and finding healthier ways to navigate life's challenges.

Shame vs. Mistakes

There's a subtle but profound distinction between feeling regret for a mistake and being consumed by shame. Understanding this difference is not just an academic exercise; it's a crucial step towards healing and self-compassion.

What is a Mistake?

A mistake is an action or thought that, in hindsight, we wish we had done differently. It's a lapse in judgement, a misstep, or a failure to achieve a desired outcome. When we make a mistake, we feel a sense of regret, guilt, or disappointment. We might say, 'I shouldn't have said that', or 'I wish I had prepared more'.

 * Focus: The action itself.

 * Feeling: Guilt, regret, disappointment.

 * Core Belief: 'I did something wrong'.

 * Path Forward: Learn from it, apologise if needed, and move on.

The key here is that the mistake is an isolated event. It doesn't define our entire being. We can apologise for our actions, make amends, and learn from the experience without it shattering our sense of self.

What is Shame?

Shame is a far more insidious and painful emotion. It's not about what we did, but about who we are. Shame whispers, 'You are a bad person'. It's a deep-seated feeling of being fundamentally flawed, unworthy, and unlovable.

 * Focus: The self.

 * Feeling: Humiliation, worthlessness, isolation.

 * Core Belief: 'I am wrong'.

 * Path Forward: A difficult and often lonely journey of hiding, self-loathing, and avoidance.

Shame is a psychological prison. It convinces us that our entire identity is tainted by our actions. Instead of a single mistake, the shame-filled person sees themselves as a mistake. This leads to a spiral of self-sabotage, avoidance, and a desperate need to hide who we are.

My role is to help clients untangle these two emotions. We explore the following questions:

 * Is this about the action or the self? I guide clients to reframe their self-talk. Instead of 'I'm such a failure', we work towards 'That was a difficult situation, and I handled it poorly. What can I learn from this?'.

 * Where does this shame come from? Often, shame has roots in childhood experiences. Perhaps a parent or caregiver consistently criticised them, making them feel like they were 'bad' rather than simply having made a mistake.

 * How can we build self-compassion? We practice treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding we would offer a friend. We acknowledge the pain, but we don't let it define us. This involves recognising our shared humanity—that we all make mistakes.

The Path to Healing

The journey from shame to self-compassion is a marathon, not a sprint. It involves:

 * Mindful Awareness: Recognising when the 'I am wrong' voice takes over.

 * Self-Forgiveness: Acknowledging the mistake, making amends where possible, and then choosing to release the self-blame.

 * Connection: Breaking the isolation of shame by sharing our struggles with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. Shame thrives in secrecy.

Ultimately, a mistake is a teaching moment. It’s an opportunity for growth and change. Shame, on the other hand, is a cage. By learning to distinguish between the two, we can stop punishing ourselves for our humanity and begin the journey toward genuine healing and self-acceptance.

Couples - Arguments & The Need to be 'Right'

Arguments are an unavoidable part of any relationship. Whether it's about finances, housework, or how to load the dishwasher, disagreements are bound to pop up. What happens when winning the argument, or proving you're 'right', becomes more important than finding a solution or, more importantly, nurturing your relationship?

The Silent Relationship Killer: The Need to Be Right

The desire to 'win' an argument often stems from a deeper place: a need for validation, a fear of being wrong, or even a sense of insecurity. When this need takes over, an argument stops being a healthy discussion and morphs into a battleground where one person's victory means the other's defeat.

Think about it: when you're solely focused on being right, are you truly listening to your partner? Are you trying to understand their perspective, their feelings, or the underlying reasons for their stance? Or are you simply waiting for your turn to present your next piece of evidence, to interrupt, or to poke holes in their argument?

This dynamic creates a vicious cycle. The more one person pushes to be right, the more defensive the other becomes. Resentment builds, communication breaks down, and emotional distance grows. Over time, these seemingly small victories in arguments can lead to a significant loss in intimacy and connection.

Shifting Focus: From 'Winning' to 'Connecting'

So, how do we break free from this pattern? It starts with a fundamental shift in perspective. Instead of viewing arguments as a competition, begin to see them as an opportunity for deeper understanding and connection.

Here are some key insights and strategies from the world of couples therapy:

1. Recognise the Cost of 'Winning'

Before you dig your heels in, ask yourself: What is the real cost of 'winning' this argument? Is it worth the emotional distance it might create? Is it worth making your partner feel unheard or unvalued? Often, the temporary satisfaction of being 'right' pales in comparison to the long-term damage it can inflict on your relationship.

2. Prioritise Empathy Over Egotism

Instead of formulating your rebuttal, try to genuinely understand your partner's point of view. Practice active listening: really hear what they're saying, both verbally and non-verbally. Reflect back what you hear to ensure you've understood them correctly. You don't have to agree with them to understand them. This simple act of empathy can de-escalate tension and open the door for more productive dialogue.

3. Identify the Underlying Need

Often, what we're arguing about isn't the real issue. A fight about a messy house might actually be about feeling overwhelmed and unsupported. A disagreement about money could be rooted in different views on security or freedom. As a couple, try to look beyond the surface-level issue and identify the deeper needs, fears, or desires that are at play for both of you.

4. Focus on 'We' Instead of 'Me'

In a healthy relationship, you're on the same team. When an argument arises, instead of thinking 'How can I prove I'm right?', ask yourselves, 'How can we solve this problem together?' This collaborative mindset shifts the energy from opposition to cooperation.

5. Agree to Disagree – Respectfully

There will be times when you simply won't see eye to eye and that's okay! It's not about always reaching a perfect consensus, but about navigating disagreements in a way that respects both individuals. You can agree to disagree without being disagreeable. This means acknowledging your differences, validating each other's feelings, and moving forward without lingering resentment.

Ultimately, the goal in a healthy relationship isn't to be right; it's to be in a loving, respectful, and connected partnership. When you choose connection over correction, and understanding over winning, you'll find that your relationship doesn't just survive arguments – it grows stronger because of them.

What's one small shift you can make in your next disagreement to prioritise your relationship over being 'right'?