It’s one of the most frustrating human experiences: you finally land the job you wanted, start a healthy relationship, or commit to a new fitness goal...and then, seemingly out of nowhere, you blow it.
Clients often come in feeling like their own worst enemy, baffled by why they 'can't just let themselves be happy'.
Self-sabotage isn't about being broken; it’s a misguided attempt by your brain to keep you safe.
The Paradox of the 'Inner Protector'
From a therapeutic lens, self-sabotage is rarely about wanting to fail. It is a defense mechanism. We sabotage because the subconscious mind perceives 'success' or 'change' as a threat to the status quo.
Even if your current situation is unhappy, it is familiar. To your nervous system, familiar equals safe. Stepping into the unknown, even if it's 'better', activates an alarm.
1. The Upper Limit Problem
Coined by Gay Hendricks, this theory suggests we all have an internal 'thermostat' for how much love, success, or creativity we allow ourselves to enjoy.
* When we exceed that limit, we feel 'too good'.
* To bring ourselves back to a comfortable level of mediocrity, we start a fight or miss a deadline.
2. Fear of Failure (and Success)
If you never truly try, you can’t truly fail. By procrastinating or underperforming, you give yourself an 'out'. You didn't fail because you weren't good enough; you 'failed' because you didn't start until the last minute. It protects the ego from the crushing weight of being 'found out' as inadequate.
3. Early Childhood Blueprints
We often repeat patterns we learned in childhood. If you grew up in a chaotic environment, peace can actually feel boring or anxiety-inducing.
* The Blueprint: If you were told you were 'the messy one' or 'the dreamer', you might unconsciously sabotage your adult life to stay consistent with that early identity.
Common Sabotage Behaviour
'If I don't finish, I can't be judged on the final product'.
Pickiness in Dating: 'If I find a flaw now, I won't have to risk being vulnerable later'.
Comparison: 'If I focus on how much better they are, I don't have to try'.
How to Step Out of Your Own Way
Healing from self-sabotage isn't about trying harder, it's about building self-compassion and awareness.
Identify the 'Payoff': Ask yourself, 'What does this sabotage protect me from?' (e.g., Is it protecting you from the fear of being seen? From the pressure of maintaining a high standard?)
Externalise the Voice: Instead of saying 'I am a failure', try 'A part of me is feeling scared of this new promotion'. This creates space between you and the behaviour.
Expand the Limit: Practice sitting with 'good' feelings for 30 seconds longer than usual. Teach your nervous system that success isn't a threat.
The Bottom Line
You aren't sabotaging because you're ‘weak’; you're sabotaging because you're protecting a younger, scared version of yourself. When you start treating that part of you with curiosity instead of contempt, the need to self-destruct begins to fade.