The Quiet Erosion: Self-Abandonment
A recurring theme in the lives of many individuals who come to see me is not a loud, dramatic crisis, but a subtle, often unconscious process—a slow, quiet erosion of the self. I’ve come to know this process as self-abandonment.
From the outside, it can look like strength, resilience, or even selflessness. We praise those who always put others first, who are the perpetual caretakers, the people-pleasers, and the ones who never seem to have a need of their own. However, as we peel back the layers in therapy, a more painful truth often emerges: these individuals have, over time, become strangers to themselves.
What is Self-Abandonment?
Self-abandonment is the act of disconnecting from your own needs, feelings, and desires to meet the perceived needs of others or to fit into a particular social role. It’s a survival mechanism often learned in childhood, where expressing one’s authentic self may have been met with disapproval, rejection, or neglect. If your emotional needs were a burden to your caregivers, you learned to suppress them. If your opinions were dismissed, you learned to keep them to yourself.
This is not a conscious decision, but a deep-seated, protective strategy. Over time, it becomes so ingrained that the individual loses touch with their authentic self. They may genuinely not know what they want, feel, or need because they've spent so long ignoring those internal signals.
The Clinical Manifestations
I see self-abandonment manifesting in a variety of ways:
* Chronic People-Pleasing: The individual’s entire sense of self-worth becomes tied to the approval of others. Their 'yes' is a reflex, not a choice. They say yes to invitations they don't want to attend, take on tasks they don't have the bandwidth for, and agree with opinions they don't share, all in an effort to avoid conflict or rejection.
* Difficulty Setting Boundaries: Boundaries are a core component of self-care. When you abandon yourself, you struggle to set them because your needs are not seen as valid or important. You may feel guilty for saying no, leading to burnout and resentment.
* Loss of Identity: 'Who am I, outside of my role as a partner, parent, or employee?' This is a question I often hear. Without a connection to their authentic self, individuals may feel a profound sense of emptiness or unfulfillment, even when their external life appears successful.
* Physical and Emotional Numbness: Repressing emotions and needs can lead to a disconnection from physical sensations. You may not notice you're hungry, tired, or in pain until the symptoms are severe. Emotionally, there can be a pervasive sense of flatness or a struggle to identify feelings beyond 'fine'.
* Relationship Challenges: While self-abandonment may be a misguided attempt to maintain relationships, it often leads to their breakdown. The lack of authenticity can create a disconnect, and the hidden resentment from unexpressed needs can eventually erupt, leaving both parties confused and hurt.
The Path Back to Yourself
Healing from self-abandonment is a journey of rediscovery. In therapy, we work together to:
* Re-establish Connection: We begin by simply noticing. What do you feel in this moment? What does your body need? What is your gut telling you? We practice tuning back into these subtle, internal signals.
* Validate Your Needs: The message you received in the past was that your needs were not important. The work of therapy is to challenge this belief and validate that your needs, feelings, and desires are not only valid but essential.
* Practice Assertiveness and Boundaries: We work on the practical skills of saying no, asking for what you need, and expressing your opinions. This is often terrifying at first, but each small act of self-assertion is a powerful step toward reclaiming your agency.
* Grieve the Lost Self: There is often a profound sadness that comes with realising how much of yourself you gave away. Acknowledging and grieving this loss is a vital part of the healing process.
Self-abandonment is a protective cloak that, over time, becomes a cage. However, within each person, there is a glimmer of the authentic self waiting to be rediscovered. The journey back to yourself is one of the most profound and courageous acts of self-love. It is an act of reclaiming your right to exist, not just as a reflection of others' needs, but as a whole, complete, and valid person in your own right.
If this resonates with you, please consider reaching out to a therapist. You are not alone, and the path back to yourself is waiting.