The Empty Chair at the Table:
The holiday season is often portrayed as 'the most wonderful time of the year'. For many, the festive lights cast long shadows. When you are grieving a family member, Christmas can feel less like a celebration and more like a deadline for a joy you simply cannot manufacture.
I often see clients struggle with a specific type of holiday tension: the conflict between the world’s expectation of cheer and their internal reality of loss.
If you’re facing the holidays with an empty chair at the table, here is a psychological perspective on why it hurts so much—and how to mindfully navigate the season.
Why the Holidays Amplify Grief
In psychology, we often talk about 'anniversary reactions'. The brain is an incredible linking machine; it associates scents (pine, cinnamon), sounds (carols), and rituals with specific people. When those sensory cues trigger memories of someone who is no longer here, it creates a 'mismatch' in the brain that results in sharp emotional pain.
Furthermore, the holidays emphasise continuity and tradition. When a link in that chain is broken, the entire structure feels fragile. You aren’t just missing a person; you are missing the version of yourself that existed when they were alive.
Strategies for Coping
Grief isn't something you 'get over'; it’s something you learn to carry. Here are a few ways to manage the weight this season:
* Practice 'Selective Participation': You are under no moral obligation to attend every party or maintain every tradition. Give yourself a 'social budget'. If a particular event feels like it will be too draining, give yourself permission to decline.
* The 'Both/And' Mindset: One of the most helpful tools in therapy is embracing the idea that two seemingly opposite things can be true at once. You can feel both deep sadness for who is gone and genuine warmth for who is present. You don't have to choose one.
* Create a 'Memory Minute': Trying to ignore the loss often makes the 'elephant in the room' feel larger. Instead, find a small, contained way to honour them. Light a specific candle, cook their favorite side dish, or share one specific story before dinner. By giving the grief a seat at the table, you often reduce its power to overwhelm the entire day.
* Lower the Bar: This is the year for 'good enough'. If the cards don't get sent or the decorations stay in the attic, that is okay. Your primary aim is self care, not festive perfection.
A Note on 'The Firsts' and 'The Laters'
Whether this is your first Christmas without them or your fifteenth, the 'pangs' can be unpredictable. Grief isn't linear. If you find yourself crying over a specific ornament or a song playing in a shop, don't pathologise it. It’s simply your love for that person looking to be felt and acknowledged.
The Goal: The goal of the holiday season shouldn't be to 'get through it' without crying. The goal is to move through it with self-compassion.
If you feel heavy while everyone else seems light, know that you are not failing at the holidays. You are being deeply human. Your worth this Christmas is not measured by your festivity, your productivity, or your ability to keep a smile on your face. You are enough exactly as you are: grieving, tired, or even occasionally joyful.