Love Bombing: When 'Too Good to Be True' is a Red Flag
I've seen countless individuals trying to piece together a shattered reality. They recount a whirlwind romance that started like a fairy tale, only to descend into a nightmare of confusion, manipulation, and self-doubt. Often, the culprit is a phenomenon known as 'love bombing', a key tactic used by those with narcissistic tendencies.
Love bombing is an intense and overwhelming display of affection and attention at the very beginning of a relationship. It's not just a crush; it's an orchestrated campaign to win you over completely, and quickly.
The 'High' of Love Bombing
At first, it feels incredible. The person you're with showers you with compliments, gifts, and grand gestures. They tell you you're 'the one' within weeks, sometimes even days. They say things like, 'I've never met anyone like you', and 'We were meant to be'. They want to spend every waking moment with you, and their intensity feels like a sign of their deep affection. It feels validating, intoxicating, and for many, a welcome change from lackluster relationships of the past.
But this isn't genuine love. It's a calculated strategy to create a powerful bond and secure your loyalty before you have a chance to see their true colors.
The Underlying Psychology: A Transaction, Not a Connection
From a psychotherapeutic perspective, the love bomber is not driven by love, but by a need to control and possess. Their goal is to make you dependent on them for your sense of self-worth. They are projecting an idealised version of themselves onto you and, in doing so, are also creating an idealised version of you in their mind. This 'ideal you' is perfect, flawless, and exists only to validate and adore them.
This intense idealisation is a fragile state. The moment you fail to live up to this impossible standard—the moment you have your own needs, opinions, or a desire for a different pace—the dynamic shifts.
The Inevitable Crash: From Idealisation to Devaluation
The love bomber's intense affection is conditional. As soon as the 'high' from the love bombing phase wears off, and the reality of a real, two-way relationship sets in, their need for control becomes paramount.
This is when the devaluation phase begins.
The compliments and grand gestures disappear. The person who once adored your every quality now criticises you. The things they once found charming, they now find irritating. They might say, 'You're not the person I thought you were', or 'Why are you so sensitive?' They may begin to gaslight you, making you question your own sanity and perception of reality.
The purpose of this is to dismantle your self-confidence and make you feel like you are the problem. They need you to feel insecure and desperate for their approval so that you will work even harder to win back the 'love' you once had.
Recognising the Red Flags
If you're in the early stages of a relationship, here are some signs that what you're experiencing might be love bombing, not genuine love:
* Accelerated Pace: The relationship moves at a dizzying speed. They talk about a future together very early on.
* Intense Adoration: They shower you with praise that feels a little over-the-top and generic, focusing on how perfect you are for them.
* Constant Contact: They demand your time and attention constantly, getting upset if you need space for friends, family, or personal time.
* Isolation: They subtly (or not so subtly) try to pull you away from your social circle and support system.
* Lack of Boundaries: They don't respect your 'no' and push for intimacy, commitment, or spending time together even when you've expressed a need for space.
Healing and Moving Forward
If you've been a victim of love bombing, it's crucial to understand that what you experienced was not your fault. You were targeted because you are a person capable of love and empathy, and they saw a vulnerability they could exploit.
The first step is to recognise the pattern and validate your own feelings. The confusion and pain you feel are real. Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist who can help you process the trauma and rebuild your self-worth.
True love is built on a foundation of mutual respect, trust, and healthy boundaries. It's a slow burn, not an explosion. It allows you to be an imperfect human, with your own needs and your own life, and it cherishes you for exactly who you are, not for who they need you to be.